My life right now is a shit show. I am not dealing very well
with the shit show, so I need to do something about it. To make me feel better,
less crazy, more human. In the past, I have tried everything and anything when
my life feels like it is being torn apart, little by little, like some cosmic
being is plucking petals from a daisy or sunflower or whatever. Even though I cannot
see through the swirling shit all around me, age and hard lessons have taught
me that temporary relief provided by external sources does not help.
A list of crap I have tried that does not work:
- Try not to feel any feelings
- Overeating
- Purging
- Avoiding feelings at all costs
- Purging without overeating
- Drinking lots of alcohol
- Starving myself
- Exercising way too much
- Overspending
- Avoiding everything and everyone (including my kids, no mom of the year award for me)
- Self harm (see arm and legs)
A list of crap that does work:
- I have no clue
- But I working on it in therapy
During my first semester in college, six years ago, I was
given an assignment in a course titled “The Reflective Woman”. My classmates
and I were to describe our learning style in a succinct three page paper. I
remember laughing when I saw the description of the assignment, because I can
easily describe my style of learning in less than three pages. I can describe
it in a mere three words: “the hard way”. I have been this way since I can
remember. Maybe I am now beginning the work that was outlined in the course, to
reflect on myself as an individual, and also on women’s experiences throughout
the world. Maybe I will just focus on myself for the time being, and that’s
okay.
Anyway, the moral of this blog post is that I am going to try writing all the crap down that is constantly flying around in my head. To see if it helps me feel a little less weird or crazy. I might publish some stuff on the blog and I might not. I just need to get it out of my system.
P.S. It's really hard to admit that I ignored my kids. I love them with every single cell of my body but I have not always been present and that is hard to admit.
P.S.S. Now I am having feelings and my eyes are almost leaking so I am going to post something funny.
That's me, the birthday girl, surrounded by my friends.
Hard lesson: Don't perm your bangs. Ever. Especially if you have a wicked widows peak and a forehead that goes on for days.