The one where I make some lists and admit some stuff

My life right now is a shit show. I am not dealing very well with the shit show, so I need to do something about it. To make me feel better, less crazy, more human. In the past, I have tried everything and anything when my life feels like it is being torn apart, little by little, like some cosmic being is plucking petals from a daisy or sunflower or whatever. Even though I cannot see through the swirling shit all around me, age and hard lessons have taught me that temporary relief provided by external sources does not help.

A list of crap I have tried that does not work:

• Try not to feel any feelings
• Overeating
• Purging
• Avoiding feelings at all costs
• Purging without overeating
• Drinking lots of alcohol
• Starving myself
• Exercising way too much
• Overspending
• Avoiding everything and everyone (including my kids, no mom of the year award for me)
• Self harm (see arm and legs)

A list of crap that does work:

• I have no clue
• But I working on it in therapy

During my first semester in college, six years ago, I was given an assignment in a course titled “The Reflective Woman”. My classmates and I were to describe our learning style in a succinct three page paper. I remember laughing when I saw the description of the assignment, because I can easily describe my style of learning in less than three pages. I can describe it in a mere three words: “the hard way”. I have been this way since I can remember. Maybe I am now beginning the work that was outlined in the course, to reflect on myself as an individual, and also on women’s experiences throughout the world. Maybe I will just focus on myself for the time being, and that’s okay. 

Anyway, the moral of this blog post is that I am going to try writing all the crap down that is constantly flying around in my head.  To see if it helps me feel a little less weird or crazy. I might publish some stuff on the blog and I might not. I just need to get it out of my system.

P.S. It's really hard to admit that I ignored my kids. I love them with every single cell of my body but I have not always been present and that is hard to admit. 

P.S.S. Now I am having feelings and my eyes are almost leaking so I am going to post something funny.

That's me, the birthday girl, surrounded by my friends. 

Hard lesson: Don't perm your bangs. Ever. Especially if you have a wicked widows peak and a forehead that goes on for days.