Cue the 80's techno music........sing along with me......I've got the power!
I have no clue what the rest of the words are in that song, but the title is enough for me. The word "power" conjures up all sorts of phrases - we've all felt powerful and powerless at some point in our lives. There's willpower, (which I struggle with!) girl power, the power of money, the power of love.......
I've chatted with my sister on the phone at least four times today. While I unloaded the dishwasher, swept the floor, and saved the cat from certain demise at the hands of a four year old, we shared some great aha! moments.
Mine involved power. And the fact that most of the time, I feel pretty powerless. I told Julie that I was getting that "trapped" feeling again, the fear of loss of control, and she told me, "It's because you don't give yourself the power." Wow. I had to put the broom down and just think about that for awhile!
I'm not going to go into details of my past, about decisions I've made, and (more importantly) decisions that were made for me. What's important is that I realized I have the power to live my life exactly the way that is right for me. No more living for others, or getting worried that I pissed off so-and so's first cousin's uncle. I've been given the freedom to be assertive and make things happen in life. I'm not just along for the ride, I'm operating this roller coaster!
All these crazy thoughts reminded me of another life-changing moment for me:
Last summer, when my husband informed me that he had decided to go to school to be a pharmacist, two things happened:
1. I spit my milk all over the table and
2. I started thinking; if he can be whatever he wants to be when he grows up, why can't I?
I had honestly never had this thought before (in my adult life). I became a massage therapist six years ago because it was the right choice at the time. I enjoy working with people, and I'm good at my job, but this opened up a whole new world for me. I could go to college, and learn to be anything that I wanted? Wow, where would I begin? I drifted off, picturing myself as a pastry chef, freelance photographer, food journalist (I may have made that up), songwriter, artist, interior designer, and day spa owner. And that's just a sliver of my daydream....
When I was in third grade, we made a class book. Next to our pictures, we added interesting little tidbits about our third grade lives......"Shari has two sisters and a brother and likes to help her dad in the barn ..." and we also shared what we hoped to be doing 14 years down the road. Showing incredible insight, (and optimism!) I announced to the world in black and white that I wanted to be a composer. At this point in my life, I was just a normal kid who possessed normal musical talent. I had recently started taking piano lessons, and Mozart and Beethoven must have made a big impression on me, because I wanted to be just like them when I grew up. (Minus the crazy hair and deafness) I wanted to make incredible, timeless music that would be enjoyed by the masses for years to come.
I've let go of that dream. But thinking about the future and what it may hold for me gets me just as excited as that little eight year old girl, who had stars in her eyes (and on the turtleneck she wore for her school picture), and a vision of what life could be.
The Plan:
Be optimistic - dream big!